28 text posts that will make you want to befriend everyone on Tumblr.

“Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug” – Coluring

“Swag won’t pay the bills but apparently neither will your degree”  – Confirmance

“This one time a girl told me we had the same name and I asked her what hers was” – Kisslng

“I just invented a new word…Plagiarism” – Theproblematicblogger

“I’m trying to think of cake puns but I’ve got muffin” – Punnier

“My aunt and uncle share a toothbrush and if that’s what true love looks like then I think I’ll stay single” – Unpopuler

“’There are other fish in the sea’ Well what If I don’t want those other fish? What if my fish was the last remaining wild Madagascar rainbow feathered swordfish?” – Narcotic

My English teacher accused me of plagiarising an essay that I wrote about my own life” – Nosdrinker

“Safe sex is for losers (takes off knee pads and helmet)” – Strifeandslash

“Dearly bruhloved. We are swaggered here today to join these two bros in holy matrahomie” – Fuckviserys

I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes” – Planetparenting

“*Gets down on one knee* will you give me the wifi password?” – Possiblypensive

“Hands are weird because one of them can do absolutely everything without a problem and the other one can’t even hold a spoon” – Mill.iam

“I’m thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many damn likes you get on a picture” – Kingsleyyy

“I don’t go through peoples pictures on their phone because I wasn’t raised in the jungle” – Mermaidgif

“LET’S GET HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grades” – Unpopuler

“Sorry kids you either have to get a job or go to Uni. Oh but Uni is probably going to cost you more so you’ll need to do both. Also we don’t have enough jobs for you.” – leelinschin

“If you ever feel bad about yourself then always remember that George Bush was once informed that 4 Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded ‘How many is a Brazilian?’” – Psychoticmist

“Did Dr Dre even attend medical school?” – Pinkmanjesse

“Becoming a parent means being the one to get the wasp out of the room and I don’t know if I’m prepared to do that” – yer-a-wizard-castiel

“’I don’t like short hair on girls’ yeah, well I don’t like short dicks on guys yet here you are.” – altairspants

“I will do a lot of things in my life but admitting I’m cold to my mum who told me to bring a jacket isn’t one of them” – y2kid

“My brother had a dream that he spent 20 dollars on a hotdog and he woke up screaming” – crabparty

“How many calories do I burn when I run away from my problems?” – intriguers

“Assassination: A nation that is sassy” – hottestblogger

“If I go missing use the selfie that has the most notes on it” – navel

“Will you still Snapchat me when I’m no longer young and beautiful” – bueno

“What if you tried to call off of work and you are just like ‘I’m sick today’ and your boss was like ‘I know dude you’re one of the sickest bros here’ and you were like ‘No I swear that I’m ill” and your boss says ‘Yeah, you are the illest”neptunain

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