Regular followers may be aware of my sister’s unique outlook on life so I decided to call her up recently and get her to answer some of life’s most challenging questions. She couldn’t have seemed any less interested at the time so her responses are pure genius.
I think I am going to make this a regular feature to be honest as it was one of the funniest interviews that I have ever conducted. Lets get started:
Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?
One horse-sized duck. Definitely. If you’ve got 100 mini horses then there are 100 brains that you’ve got to keep an eye on. I don’t have time to fight 100.
If I had one horse-sized duck I’d probably chop off its beak first. No I’d chop of its legs so that it would be too busy worrying about them for a while. Oh I don’t know mate. Humans are shit. I can’t fight a horse-sized duck without a weapon. Actually, I can’t fight a HUMAN without a weapon never mind a duck.
How do you know when it is time to end a friendship?
When they piss you off to the point of no return.
Why does the queue that you are in always move the slowest?
Because you’re usually in the line with all of the twats in. What makes it worse is that it is always a two second job that you are there for. It’s just fate mate.
Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
Oh yea. I’ve never thought about that. They’re all knocking about in nests aren’t they? Or in town centres. I reckon they are born in nests and then when they get a little bit older they go down to Trafalgar Square with their mums and dads and steal food from everyone.
Why is it so hard to admit when we are wrong?
Because I’m usually not wrong, so if someone asks me to admit that I am wrong it is usually because they are pissed off that I am right. Sometimes I do admit that I am wrong just to stop the conversation dragging out for fifteen years and then I’m like “Are you happy now?”
When is your future behind you?
When you are dead. Either that or when you have fucked up plan A and you have to go to plan B so what you thought was going to be your future, is behind you and usually well and truly down the pan.
Where do traffic jams come from?
Rain, because people behave like twats when it’s raining. Just because there is water falling from the sky doesn’t mean that you have to behave like an idiot.
Do you have to love your job?
I don’t think you have to love your job but I think that it is important to love the people that you work with.
Can a half-empty person become a half-full person?
Yes but it’s got to take a lot of bloody miracles.
What do you do if you see a parent berating a child?
Nothing. 99.9% of the time they deserve it. Kids seem to think that they are above everybody else.
What is time?
Irrelevant. Humans created it in order to implement some sort of order into their lives.
Why do we turn into our parents when we say that we wouldn’t?
Because they are usually right aren’t they? Annoyingly. I think we are quite lucky though because our parents are awesome.
When do kids become adults?
When your parents aren’t there anymore. I honestly believe that.
Does toast really always fall buttered side down?
Yes. I’ve experimented. I think it’s because its heavier…(Pauses) … and also because life usually wants to piss you off so it is always hairy once you’ve picked it up.