Have I Been Single For Too Long?

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One of the main ambitions that I had for my blog very early on is that I wanted to feature the odd guest write. I have always been so interested in real people and real stories.

I’m a happy to say that today I am bringing you the first ever Henna Writes guest written article courtesy of the talented Abida. She’s not only an incredibly funny lady but I am also lucky and proud to be able to call her my sister.

Regular readers will know how intrigued I am by the topic of love and more specifically, finding it. And that is exactly what today’s post is about. Grab a cup of tea, take a few minutes out and enjoy.

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Abida. Shot by me.

It’s alright being told time and time again that you’ll meet someone when you least expect it. which is true – I’m never actively looking. But recently I can’t help but think “what if it’s me that’s stopping it from happening without realising?”

What am I protecting myself from by putting my guard up?

…fear of rejection

…fear of failure

…fear of misjudging the signs

…fear of being taken advantage of

…fear of being judged.

I automatically friend zone everyone, but that’s because I’m not actively looking so I don’t even think about it. I just act naturally and I don’t realise I’m doing it! But what about those people who are looking to get back into the dating game but have been out of it for so long?

Having the confidence to be open with a guy/girl. How do you do it? don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the most amazing few years. Drama free. Haven’t had to think about anyone else. But for some reason, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve put more thought into the situation and it’s made me question how I’m feeling. Yes, life is great atm, but the romance element to my life is nonexistent, and it has been for years. Maybe I should think about making some time to enter that element of my life that I spent the last few years not even thinking about? If I don’t, does that mean I’d rather be single? Not necessarily. I would say I’m happy either way.

BUT – does that thought mean that I’m desperate to meet someone? Because I wouldn’t say I’m desperate. But everyone’s looking surely? Everyone’s looking for someone, deep down. Even if they don’t realise it. Maybe I’m just acknowledging that I should be a little more open to those experiences now.

What’s making me feel like that? – well, I’m content – and the romantic element of my life isn’t existent – so naturally, it’s the next thing I started thinking about. Although I feel whole – it’s the only area of my life that could potentially be labeled “blank” mainly because I haven’t really given it any thought. I’ve been too busy enjoying life and cleaning up any shit that hit the fan during that time.

So I’ve talked to a lot of people and the general consensus is that things aren’t the same these days as they once were. The new millennials seem to have broken down these barriers and it’s not unusual for a woman to make the first move anymore.

After looking at a shit tonne of statistics, more and more people are meeting their partners at work. Which I can see why that may be. As time goes on, more and more people are career driven and spend more time at work than ever before.

Then there’s the Mars and Venus divide – what women/men think about when they consider asking a guy/girl out on a date VS the reality of the situation from the other parties perspective. Most (not all) people have this fear of some sort when asking a guy/girl out.

…“what if it gets awkward?”

…“what if they don’t like me?”

…“what if they say no”

… “are they going to think I’m desperate?”

…“what if they think that I ask people out all the time and thinks I put myself about?”

…”but how do I know if they even like me in that way?”

Talking to the guys about these worries, I’ve learnt that in actual fact…..it’s not an issue. None of these things are. And anything that is, shouldn’t even be thought about, live in the moment. Fuck it, ask anyway. And if it doesn’t work out then that’s that. If anything, Guys know how hard it is to ask someone out, they’re usually expected to be the ones to do it. so they understand. And a plus point seems to be that guys actually love it when they get asked out by a girl. Gives them a confidence boost, just like It would for girls!

And you know what, if it’s a no, it’s a no. it’s a small word. But also a very clear definitive one. So just take it at face value. It’s the end of the story. There’s nothing more to be lost or gained from it. so why worry?

To be honest – most of the women I spoke to, gave me the same answers as the blokes did! So why is it still an issue? Why is there so much fear? It’s easier said than done I suppose.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of people think that you should use your emotional intelligence too. I.e. Don’t ask someone on a date if they’ve just come back from a funeral. Don’t ask someone on a date if you know they’ve just come out of a long term or turbulent relationship. Don’t ask someone out when deep down you know it’s not wise and it’s not the right time. Don’t ask them if they were in the paper last week for rape. Etc etc.

Right place, right time is key. Not everything works out. But sometimes it’s just because the timing is wrong. It’s nothing personal.

Another thing that I’ve noticed, is that it really depends on what sort of person you are. People who aren’t as confident didn’t have the same views when I spoke to them. so it proved the saying “you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself”

You have to learn to get past those barriers of thinking what ifs and thinking about the consequences (basically all the things I do) and just go for it. live in the moment.

Again, all this is a lot easier said than done. I like to think I can take good advice. But these things I find virtually impossible. Which is the problem. I over think. And I shouldn’t. But being single for such a long time also has its disadvantages. Those being “I am out of practice and things have changed so much since I last dated”

Everything is social media driven nowadays. Even dating. Instagram and followers and putting a version of yourself online for everyone to see and “like”. I don’t get it. The people in my life who see the real me, are either there with me or they make the effort to know. Not because I’ve posted it online for everyone to see. But then again, the flipside of that is, maybe I’m losing out? Maybe I’m a threat because no one can make a pre judgement on me from my social media pics. I’m unknown territory…it’s not as easy. And as humans, you want some sort of shortcut.

Maybe I’m pre judging and not everyone Is the same? Or maybe I’m totally wrong? Who knows? All I know is that I can’t be arsed with the whole “I want everyone to see my shit on Instagram and think I’m having the best life.” mainly because I’m off having a nice time and I can’t be arsed to interrupt my fun to take a snap shot so I can let everyone know what I’ve had for lunch. (usually because I have Cream Eggs for breakfast and Ice Lollies for tea #embarrassing)

Maybe I AM losing out because I don’t do what everyone else is doing? If that’s the case then that’s shit. But I refuse to change who I am.

I think the key here is to remember that dating is different nowadays. And in theory everything seems to make sense. But when you’re actually experiencing it all, it’s hard to fight it and break those barriers. But I suppose a start would be to at least know deep down that you don’t HAVE to feel that way. And you do actually have a choice in how to handle it. If asking someone out doesn’t go to plan – or if they says no – then they probably weren’t right for you anyway, and you weren’t right for them. So it’s actually a blessing in disguise if you think about it! Also, break things down into baby steps. Do things when you feel ready. And always stay true to yourself. You don’t want someone to think you’re someone you’re not.

After all, there’s nothing more liberating than staying true to yourself and being happy with yourself and your life. Everything else will fall into place eventually. Don’t over think, don’t push it, just enjoy your life and carry on being the best version of you. It’s the perfect foundation for any sort of relationship, romantic or otherwise. Be happy. Fuck the rest. Namaste Bitches.

Love Out,

Abida x

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